So, I just googled some help on not wanting something. How to free myself of this obsessive need I have to meet Him, touch Him, taste Him, wear His collar, be His. I’m not doing too well, already.
“There is a story about a monkey who comes across a trap in the forest. He can see a coconut inside. He’s hungry and so he puts his hand through a small hole to get at it. He grips onto the coconut, which he really wants to eat, but while he’s holding the coconut he can’t pull his hand free. If he only opened his hand again, he could escape, but clinging to what he wants keeps him trapped”, is a quote from tinybuddah.com.
I can always tell where my energy is by the way the little things flow. I’m like a glitchy mess right now, things flashing and deleting and sticking as I’m typing. I am that fucking monkey!!
There is this succulent coconut…let’s change that to banana. There’s this incredible, succulent, big, golden banana I’ve got my hand on (God, I wish) only, I’m not free to taste it. I can’t get it to my mouth to fill my belly with.
I can’t experience the flavor and aroma, so sweet and desirable. My mouth is parched and my belly hungry, craving to be filled. My heart craves it, my spirit longs for it, my pussy wets and twitches dreaming of it. I grab it tighter and try and fit it through the jar, but the tighter I grip the more fatigued I become, the more I destroy the precious fruit of my desire and the deeper I become trapped by the obsession.
The answer for the monkey is simple: to free himself…he has to let go. Yet he fears letting go because he’ll lose the banana. He’ll starve without it. To let go feels like death to him. He’s been holding on for two years plus now. His monkey mind is focused on nothing else. Ever. Maybe he hasn’t even realized that he’s lost weight and is slowly destroying himself by holding on. Either way: he dies.
He can’t have the fruit to feed his desire and his deep torturous hunger, and yet if he doesn’t chance dying by letting go of his fixation, he isn’t free to live. It’s the fear of the unknown. He desires so painfully that he’s afraid to be without the PAIN. He has come to see the pain as the path to his desire.
It’s as if he believes that the pain is the only thing keeping him alive.
Fear is a shackle all its own.