The ‘Mean Reds’; it’s a reference from “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”. Gosh, I love that movie. I’ve loved it for years, and now with me going into being a paid slut, I understand the attraction to it. Holly Golightly was a call girl. An escort, they used to call it, with emotional issues that overwhelmed her. When things got bad for her and she felt her insecurities taking over, she called it the ‘mean reds’.
I’ve got the ‘mean reds’ right now. I feel anxious inside. So much is going on and He’s not with me. It’s disorienting, and sometimes I feel like I’m going to fall apart. Like right now.
There’s what happened last night; and as much as I spoke positively about it–I need Him. He sees me. He helps me make sense of it. Something about Him and what He says about these experiences calms me and makes everything alright.
Even the photographers taking all those pictures last night. I love the attention. I loved all the men circling me like hungry snakes seeing a sweet succulent mouse. It’s exciting and I eat it up, but there’s this other side to me. There’s this awkward, insecure, scared little girl that can’t deal with it all. When He’s there, I feel coddled. I don’t feel alone. He makes me feel that if my whole world blew up because of all this I’m doing, He wouldn’t abandon me.
Monday a new client wants to meet me and pay me for fucking him. Without Him, it becomes foreboding and strange feeling. It’s the difference of doing it for Him…and that makes it more than just okay: it makes it special. It makes it a gift.
I never ever ever stop thinking of Him. Especially when I’m fucking someone. Right now with Him cutting me off, everything has anxiety wrapped around it. No one on this planet makes me feel like He does. I can’t say that strongly enough.
I can’t say this to Him right now though. It’s just not a good idea. It’s asking and pulling from Him. Oh god, everything hurts. The best I can do is keep quiet and feel this pain as a reminder of all the shit I did.
All I want to do, though, right now is curl up next to Him at His boots and be His.