One of the most challenging, and, oddly enough, rewarding parts of this journey has been being used; being a slut; being of service. It’s both, because it all depends on where I am inside as to what cums out of me. That all changes what cums to me.
I was just looking back at some older videos I sent Him. One was for His birthday. I bought this beautiful black dress on a site called NastyGal.com. Loved the title. I would send Him a link on Skype of a dress and wait for His response. Kind of like shopping long distance with Him.
I always loved it when He’d say ‘hot’ to something. I’d quick as a flash go and buy it and surprise Him with it. This dress was short, tight, black, a little lace across the tits that you could make out my nipples through, and thin spaghetti straps. All details He loves. God, I love to please Him.
I put that dress away in my closet for four months until His birthday came. It was a special birthday; He had lived through an ordeal that would kill a lesser men. And I mean that with such a sincerity that I’d bet my life on it. Something in that man was able to deal with a toxic load of hormonal chaos…and live.
When I sang Happy Birthday to Him– it was a celebration. A celebration of His life; and, yes, a celebration of His presence in my life…what His life meant to me. I felt happy and my whole body moved and my expression became about showing that to Him. I channeled Marilyn in a breathy singing voice, adding “happy birthday, dear…Daaad-dy”, with the most overwhelming feeling of adoration. It became me, and I just felt filled with joy to offer to Him.
Another video where He had me explore peeing for Him, caught me by surprise. After I sent it to Him, I remember how full of life He seemed to be. He seemed so happy and so turned on by it.
There was this lack of any wall cumming from me. In other words, I was completely and fully open. What came out of me was not just hot piss wetting my wild outfit, it was all of me.
It was good to see that again; to be reminded of what giving is…and what it is not. Giving and sharing feels good all the way through. I’m glad I saw those videos. I’m even more glad that I made them for Him.
If I could just freeze those moments inside me and make that all of me. Yet, that’s not how it works. All of me is what makes me who I am. Not too proud of all of me, lately. I have such deep regret about so much with Him. So many things I’ve failed. Moments that asked me to be the best and I chose the worst.
That’s life though. That’s reality. It’s the silence in between the notes that creates the melody as much as the notes themselves. It’s those moments that create my fate with Him. Right now, the silence is deafening.