No Control; No Holding On

Whenever things get bad, I mean really bad inside of me with Him, it’s like a circuit being disconnected or an electronic car issue: Everything starts to fuck up. Things start to just fall apart, fail, get lost, break down and just go to shit.

I’d like to say that I’m making that up. That it’s all in my mind, but then I literally see it in my life. I woke and wrote good morning to Him. There basically is no communication right now. I’m on the outside looking in. Only, I’m so whacked, I’m not sure what in is anymore.

After typing good morning, I scrolled back. What happened? What did I do? How did I fuck things up so badly?

My phone is just glitching up like crazy. It’s an iPhone 6 and it’s starting to shit the bed. I hate changing because there’s just so much on there. My fucking life with Him is on there for over a year. Life is so fast paced that I don’t back anything up, I’m just all over the place. My life is getting up, trying to please Him, trying to keep the plates spinning in my little business, home life, and what seems like the only thing I really center around: Him.

I read and re-read each word, and whatever pictures are still showing up on my iPhone. I could feel my head spinning reading it all. Our conversation seems so simple, but I swear to you there is so much going on in between each new text to and from Him on Skype. Things I can feel as I read it, but it’s just not there on the page.

Maybe I imagined it all, I don’t know. Yet, I feel each word He writes me. Whether there’s excitement in it, or Him holding Himself away from me. There were two days…two days of excitement and Daddy. While I was reading it, I could feel my fear. Fear it would all disappear. And then as I’m scrolling, it starts. Then there’s just harsh words from Him. I’ve blown it up again, and I feel so confronted by what He’s saying, my frustration in how hurtful I can be; then I feel my listening begin. I read what He says again and again, trying to understand my failures.

I copy and paste these words into Notes on my phone. I need to learn and fix what I’ve done. I save so much of what He says. When things are great, I keep them so I can hold on to them. It’s as if I’m putting them in this little wooden box covered in girlie stickers from when I was a kid. A keepsake with a ribbon around it.

When things are bad, I save those, too. I try to understand what He’s saying better. I try to not repeat the same mistakes. Sometimes it helps me remember certain things or even to shut my stupid mouth up long enough to not fall into another one of my mindless holes. So I saved a text of His and when I went to save the next text…it was gone.

All my Notes. Gone.

I shut the phone and restarted. Gone.

There are times I completely lose it; breakdown like a lunatic. I didn’t. I just felt tears running down my cheeks. I felt the Universe shuttering. It took just the way I did. Because I was destructive, I got destruction back. She took His words from me.

Crazy…He just popped up on Skype and said “gm”. Appropriate, as He would say. I can’t hold on to anything, and I have no control. Over anything. Ever.

Later note:

I have been through things like this before with Him. The feeling weird and alone, all disoriented. Situations getting dark, people suddenly less receptive to me; my body shutting down and everything gets so quiet and lifeless, I fear I’m dead. As if I’m in some sort of disjointed dimension and I don’t really exist.

If all of this that I’ve been through with Him is all just in my mind. Then why does my life fall apart when I do wrong by Him? Why do so many different people and things just fall to dust when I’ve done something that I can feel I have to pay for? Sometimes, it’s not paying Him, so much as paying the Universe.

I get away with nothing. Trust me. Making up to Him, IS making up to the Universe.

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