“He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and… to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it. The soul is satisfied now with nothing less than God.” Autobiography of St. Theresa of Avila.
There are moments when I’m feeling pushed and torn inside about so much, that there cum bursts of insights. They are subtle, but it causes me to ponder and search and wonder what all of this means.
Last night, out with hubby, a bartender told me to finish my drink. It felt to me like he had me by an invisible collar and he was lifting my chin so that I could see his eyes and listen more attentively. I was told I couldn’t leave until I finished all of my drink…and hubby’s. There was something quietly controlling about him, and he did it in a playful yet serious way.
I did as I was told, and I felt a bit sad that I had to return to the car with hubby. He was in a mood over meeting the guy I blew while hubby fucked me from behind last summer. It was the only experience like that with hubby, and he says it haunts him still. It haunts his cock, too.
Today, Latin guy is here working with his brother. He opened my bedroom door and called me over. I was only in my robe and panties, and he pushed my robe open so he could put his hand down them and play with my pussy. I felt his cock nice and hard through his shorts. He whispered to me did I want his brother. There’s so much chaos and nervous energy in moments like that.
All I can think about though is how to share it with Him. I can feel how wet it’s making me and how much I want it, but without Him…not even worth it. I sometimes get so nervous that I do a lousy job of sharing the experience with Him, too. Making videos gets to it better.
About an hour later, I was up in my bedroom again, Latin opened the bathroom door and snuck into my room and into my big closet. He undid his pants and very aggressively grabbed the top of my head and pushed my mouth onto his uncut brown cock. It took a lot to get him to allow me to video him. I had to threaten not sucking his cock. But I absolutely had to show Him. I’m in so much trouble lately, that it’s all I can do to somewhat redeem myself.
Latin kept my head bouncing back and forth on his cock and then jammed my face down so deep on it that I could feel my whole throat open and fill with it. When he let go, I gasped for air and that made me happy. Daddy likes to see me being abused.
Once he came into my mouth, I wiped my lower lip and sent the videos. I invited the brother in next and sent more videos of my mouth being abused by a second cock for Him. God, it is for Him. I was barely coherent from trying to video and make sure I could please Him. I don’t care what I have to do. It’s not like it doesn’t give me a feeling of relief. All my nerves and worries calm for a bit when I have cock in my mouth.
The nervousness of getting it to happen and not get caught is so incredibly satisfying to me. That’s what that Dom the other day didn’t get about me. It’s less about me doing something sexual and more about releasing something in me. Sex is simply the quickest way there for me. He knew that about me before I ever did.
I know I’m a slut. It doesn’t really feel that way to me while I’m going through it though. I’m in this bubble of experience and it’s wrapped around Him and His attention in watching me. Of hoping that when He watches it, His golden cock gets hard. That something I did is right. That the instinct to let myself be used by others is a good one, a true one, a redeeming spiritual one…and that He will see that. Maybe that He’ll even feel so good that it will get Him to feel good about me again.
I feel so many emotions with Him. When He is upset with me like now it becomes even more intense because of the internal chaos and yearning for what feels lost. It just hurts all the time. And yet I will suffer endlessly for that feeling of Him talking to me again. Caring for me in the smallest ways. Letting me share in ANY of Him.
My mind calls me to stop all of this. To let go and realize how much of myself and life is wrapped around Him. In all honesty, I can not. The longing for His affection, even if it is only degrading sexual talk, pulls me closer. To hear Him say that being used as His slut is all I’m really good for to Him is so riddled with pain and pleasure it’s hard to explain.
What I want with Him is completely overshadowed by what He wants in those moments. It’s the sweetest kind of pain I’ve ever felt. To be dripping with erotic desire and torn by deep childlike needs and deprived of basic human dignity for His pleasure, not mine. I can hear my thoughts tell me this is crazy. This is not fair. But, but, but, but. All of my logical reasons why things should be different. And my heart and pussy wilt and bleed and drip for Him, so, that I am his prisoner. His slave. His slut. His babygirl. His. Even though He deprives me of any of those names. I take the blame. I take the responsibility and in humility I lay myself down and beg for His forgiveness and redemption.