I had a conversation with a guy who said he was looking for a babygirl. That he was a Dom with years of experience. Our beginning conversation was the usual when meeting someone on Skype. After talking to him, I realized what he was ultimately looking for. I was very honest with him and said that it wasn’t something I was interested in. I’m not in such a great frame of mind right now. As He would say, I’m all over the map. The phone call upset me.
There is no way for me to be a babygirl to anyone else. It’s not in me. This whole journey has been about Him. Pleasing Him, learning to be something He’d call a submissive and to pry open my stubborn as shit head and improve myself. I was very honest with this guy. Maybe that angered him, I don’t know. Maybe I took it personally, no surprise there.
After he told me that it sounded like my Daddy was getting tired of me, I felt myself take such a deep breath in I couldn’t find a new one. Maybe that’s true. I don’t know, it just hurt to hear from a stranger. He basically called me a slut for ‘going after every cock I could get my hands on’…no judgement, of course (and by the way, I am a slut, but there’s a difference in respect…there was none in his use of it). Then he added that my dreams are impossible and no long distant relationships work. That without looking in His eyes, touching Him, feeling His skin, His pain, really getting to know Him, it’s doomed to fail. That He’d never rearrange His life for me and I’m just dreaming…”you know that, I’m sure”. I think they call that getting kicked when you’re down.
I’m sure I brought that on myself. Sometimes I’m so fucking desperate that I reach out to someone who sounds like they might be able to help. He sounded experienced and maybe it could help to talk to him. Gosh, I’m a walking doormat right now.
I already know that what I dream is…fucking impossible. Even He has tried to tell me that. That’s what this has been about the last two days. Me not being satisfied with what IS between us. That He does give me attention and He’s there for me. No matter what. That He’s never abandoned me. Ever. He always showed me in some way, shape or form that He was still watching.
No, I don’t want another fucking Dom! I’ve said that on my blog, on Fet and to anyone I’ve ever talked to. I’ve always said that I CAN PLAY!! And fuck anyone who passes judgment on Him or me or how any of this sounds.
Remember that my writings are always coming from me. I get scared and childish and I have a multitude of inner problems. He has NEVER done anything other than try to help me. I’m constantly reminded that His presence in my life has been a sacred gift. I’ve been less than gracious about being grateful for whatever He allows. Even after all this the last two days, He’s still there. Still talking to me.
So, yes, I know that even my dreams are childlike. I’m a sucker for a fairytale ending. I know there’s a reality I don’t want to see, but I can’t stop feeling what I feel; however, I must and I will fix how I act about it. Including pulling in others to add to my own pain and confusion.
I just hated hearing it from some stranger who, for all I know, was just pissed I didn’t take his wanting to be my “Daddy” and jump in my car to go see him. It’s always about Him, I said. With all my stupid broken heart, I meant it.
That’s why, no matter what, I’ll send Him some new pictures and videos and do everything I can to please Him. I’m His. Always and forever. I may never be perfect, or feel the sun upon my face, or feel his hands upon my skin, but I can still do what I’ve been told to do to the best of my ability. I can still give with a smile on my face and love in my heart and remember that nothing that comes from love is ever a waste. Just part of a journey.