He may not be here to inflict pain on me, but make no mistake: He causes me pain. And He’s fucking amazing at it. I stayed away for about three days, I guess. That is probably more painful than all the shit He rains down on me.
I said ‘hi’ one morning, and his response of ‘oh, you’re back’ sounded kind of pissed, kind of lighthearted. Today, I felt the response to it more crisply. I was fighting feeling anything with Him. I just still felt raw from those messages I saw. The truth is I can’t say anything about it. I want to ask why He offers woman such gentle sweetness and symbols of love. With me, He says that only really good girls get gentleness. I just don’t understand what that is, I guess.
Today is Daddy’s Day, and I’m still not allowed to call Him that. He’ll always be that in my heart, though. I can’t lie. When He first called Himself that it confused me how I felt about it. Then it became part of how I felt about Him and me. When…
What a strange thing just happened. I had a day, two actually, that I won’t ever forget with Him. I had stopped and added to this writing, all to find that it was gone after ‘When…’. So odd, because I think this all happened, but I’ll never be sure.
I woke Father’s Day and sent the pinup photos that I had waited for this day to share with Him. Whenever I am in a photo shoot, without exception, it’s always for Him. It’s me looking through the lense at Him, and that’s what is captured.
He responded well to the photos, but it was still distant. There was this distance in me, as well. I had stayed away for three days, and most of it was just me being in a place of hurt feelings. I wanted so much to hear certain things from Him, and none of it was there.
Still, I found myself taking pix and sending them. He just said that my panties didn’t look very wet. They weren’t. I was far away; protecting myself and denying that I wanted Him anymore. No matter what though, I go back. I send something, and deep down I hope that He’ll see how much of me is Him.
I followed whatever was happening that day as if a puppy on a leash. I didn’t think or feel, except to just do. I sent a photo with two bobbi pins in my hand. He had me look for them the other day, but I only found paper clips. They DO NOT work the same as bobbi pins on your nipples…trust me!
As soon as He commanded, ‘clamp them on’, the rest of the day and night was like riding a wave that took me over and under. My body was His, it always is; but this moment–I could feel it to be so.
He reminded me that there would be a payback for ‘your little disappearing act’, and I felt good inside that He even mentioned it. I would take the punishment just to feel that from Him. All of it.
The fact that it was Father’s Day, by the way, was the reason for sending those pix and another item (which I’m still not sure if it got there). I was silent about why I sent them. Only to mention that I hoped He enjoyed His special day. I never said Daddy or how much I longed for it, but I felt sure He knew. He misses very little, and certainly not something as apparent as this. All I could hope is that my silence was obedient enough, and that He would find it in His heart to let me in again.
I made a video of me putting the bobbi pins on, grimacing at the pain, I told Him they were still on and waited patiently for His response.
“They better be. More. Show me how it makes you cum being my little pain slut”, He demanded.
Even though I was fighting my need for Him inside, it was like it just made the feeling stronger. It only made me wetter, and He could see it with each new video and picture.
“Now spread your legs & offer your tits to me…show me what they need”, He said and I was lost. Whatever strength I had, drained and I was just putty in His hands.
I did spread my legs and offered Him my tits. They were always His. I changed them for Him. I had to. Not only did I want to please Him, there was this inner trust I felt for Him. He asked for this for a reason way beyond His own needs, and I followed Him.
‘Offer’ my tits. My god, I melted. I had never heard Him say that before. I did, and I felt a release in being allowed to express myself to Him. My ‘needs’: I deny them so often. It’s not that they are not there, I have plenty of them, but to serve Him I must deny them. My ego being what it is, it’s been the hardest lesson, ever.
I spoke of my need for His pain and how good it felt. I dared not go further, though. There was more back and forth between us as I abused my tits and nipples and pussy for Him. I found comfort in just listening to His every command and just gave in. I couldn’t fight Him. I didn’t want to. It just felt so good to let Him take me in this moment. All the pain and self pity and despair just left me.
We played some more, and then I made another video and all the rest of my tension gave way. I just said that I would do whatever He wanted and I was sobbing so uncontrollably that I felt broken. A feeling of truly giving in. There was nothing I was holding back; I was His. Whether He took me in or not; whether I got what I so wanted or not; I surrendered and cried and exposed every part of myself. He then wrote something that I had to look at twice before I could at least accept it.
“Looks like you need more to me. Get daddy’s big cock & show him how you need it to punish your dirty wet little pussy”, He said.
Did that say ‘daddy’s’ big cock? Did He call Himself daddy with me? I swear I felt the blood drain from my head. I just took a deep breath in and moved on. If I dare make a comment or hesitate…it would be gone.
I did as I was told over and over and just kept sending videos and pix. He asked if I liked squirting for Him and I sent another video showing Him just how much.
“Good, cause I want you to impale your dirty little cunt on daddy’s cock like that & play with your tits until you squirt all over it. And just as you are cumming all over daddy’s cock, yank off both the bobbi pins”, He said.
The pain from this sent me into a feeling of almost hysteria and then calm. I wanted so much to cum for Him when I did this, but I didn’t. There’s this expectation that stops me sometimes, and as soon as He said to go get cleaned up (with instructions to lose the bra but keep the panties on as I shower and fondle my pussy again), I came!! AND, I got it on video to show Him!
In the shower, I took more video of me soaping up my titties and pussy and drenching my panties. I dressed in a short green velvet dress with spaghetti straps that He chose for me (basically, if He says it’s ‘hot’…I buy it) with no bra and only the wet panties underneath.
When He came back, He said to put on a pair of my tightest panties. A thong, and I chose one that I had sent Him. It was not totally on purpose, yet I felt I had chosen that pair for Him.
“They’re just like the ones you sent me…so I got them out & wrapped them around my cock to stroke with while I watch you squirt in them”, He said.
My God! Could this be anymore intense? Really!! Yes, I had sent Him a double of this exact pair. I had cum in them and they were still sticky and fragrant when He got them in the mail. He wrapped them around His cock and sent His first and only “sneak peek” of the head of His cock to me. My heart had almost beat out of my chest that day, and my pussy and mouth ached so much to feel Him. Such torture to not be able to experience Him and only see the head!!
My cunt was so wet and swollen and used by this time, but I just craved more with Him. My whole world shifted in that moment to allow all this time with Him; as if we were the only two people on the planet.
He told me to cum again with my green toy, but I couldn’t. And then I did! Not on camera, but I came fucking my pussy with the toy feeling all the amazingness of the moment. I was overwhelmed and in this semi-conscious state, but I just kept riding the wave.
Things quieted for a moment so I busied myself with cleaning, and suddenly a text from Him! What was I doing, he asked. Nervously, I said I was cleaning but still feeling how tender my nipples were.
“Go down in the laundry room & play with your tits & pussy until you cum in your thong again”, He told me.
I didn’t think I could cum again, but my pussy exploded AGAIN!! That is a first!! With Him and ever!! I said nothing though. I just told Him I had cum, and He had me show Him how much I wanted Him to torture my pussy. I loved every minute of showing Him how wet I still was, even though my pussy was now raw and sore.
“You want more, don’t you”, He almost laughed. I was very tired and sore, but, fuck, this doesn’t happen every day; YES…I’m a slut and I’ll do whatever you want and offer my pussy as much as you’ll pay attention to it, I felt.
“OK, then get your bobbi pins. This time when you put them on, put them on vertical not horizontal. And show & tell daddy what you need”, He said.
This time…I couldn’t dodge the ‘what you need’ part. The air and energy just felt different. I knew what He was asking. To unleash all the feelings I was pushing down to be submissive to Him. To speak what I longed for.
I made a video, and I spoke my feelings, all the while with my finger in my pussy and others torturing my nipple. I need your attention and approval, I pleaded. I want you to love me again, to want me the way I want you. To care about me again, and to want to meet me the way I so very much want to meet you. I want to know you…really know you, and I need your affection and kindness sometimes, too.
I felt scared to express it. I hesitated and fought letting it out, even though this was my opportunity. It scared me so. I didn’t feel worthy of even asking. Part of me has given up and so it feels futile. Yet, He was asking me…daddy, was telling me to say what I was burying inside.
It’s moments like those that I realize whom I’m involved with. He is so beyond anyone I’ve ever met. His heart, as cruel as I fear He is being, is greater and more giving than anyone to me. All of things I so feverishly try to please Him with make sense.
“Confession is good for the pussy, isn’t it?”, He asked. It was for certain. For the heart as well.
No, I don’t take any of this for granted. He giveth and He taketh away. That is always there. I spoke that fear, too. But today we played so much again. He called me His babygirl and I came and squirt for Him dressed in a cute lil girl night gown, with pigtails and His cock toy. I squirt all over my covers like a dirty little girl, and my pussy was on fire and dripping wet all morning.
I don’t take any of it for granted. His pain and His love is one of a kind, as is He. When He said I have no idea of the strength at which He’d grab my tits if we met or the amount of physical pain He could inflict with His creative ways, I realized that I have no idea of His magick, either. I am just grateful to feel it in any way He’ll allow me.