I’m in a real dark place right now. The second night of the Ayahuasca left me feeling emptied in so many ways. It wasn’t until my ride home that I had a breakdown.
I had written to Him while I was still on the medicine that it was like going through a battlefield of everything rotten and dying about being human. The sound of everyone on the retreat around me purging gave me the most disgusting view of what we are inside. Birthing these tragic traumatic vile mounds of flesh and it was everywhere. And the most horrifying is that it was all inside of me.
I purged from every orifice of my body except my ears from what I could feel. Everything was black and some with dark swirls of deep purple. I didn’t feel Him. I didn’t see Him. I was alone. All alone. There was no love, not in me or around me. No messages of why for anything. Only a message in the beginning that said in written letters, “you don’t listen” and later “discipline”.
As I purged, all I could utter was I’m sorry. I surrender. And I did, but to whom? For what purpose? What does anything fucking matter? It’s all just fucking black and dark and alone. All this for that?
Yes, He was right…I’m a slut. I pulled out my tits in the dark and played with my nipples; I whispered to the guy next to me(you’re not supposed to) that I know he showed me his cock (I saw it in a vision) and that I had my mouth on it; and I whispered some more how hot it is to break the rules. I put my hand down my panties and played with my clit until I almost came but I heard/felt ‘no’, so I stopped.
So, yes, He was right. The slut is always there in me. He didn’t make it so…he just let the demon free. Only, that’s all there was. That’s all there is inside me. No spiritual side. No depth. No love. I felt some compassion for others that were purging. Big fucking deal, a seal could feel that and give a fucking circus act to boot.
The shaman as I left gave me a hug, a look of understanding and deep concern and said, “you have a lot of work to do, sister”. And then on the way home, I realized what I wasn’t listening to. He said many things to me over and over in many ways. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to listen. I wanted to believe that He was just pushing me to look inside more, but that all His words were actually opposite. He wrote, “If you were anything you claimed to be, anything more than a selfish fake fraud and liar, you WOULD understand. It’s the fact that you DON’T understand that just supports everything that’s happened. It’s why I’ll never want you. Why I’ll never be yours. Why you act the way you do. Telling you the answer changes NOTHING. Your aren’t that person. You will never BE that person. You will NEVER get it“.
I have been reading that quote everyday for a few weeks now. I read it and believed if I could just feel the humility in that, I could serve better. Yet, deep down, I prayed that if I could just get to the thing, the gift that I’d send Him or give Him, the smile in a picture or feeling of love inside that shined through enough for Him to feel it…anything really…but just that it would all reverse one day.
I only thought I heard Him say to expose my tits the second night. That would be something He would say, but that answered it all, too. He wasn’t lying to me: that’s the only use He has for me. I’m an empty, vacant slut and my body is all that I’m good for. To Him, especially.
This hope that there was this beautiful, sacred sexual goddess inside me was so stupid and arrogant for me to even fathom. Ever. Maybe that was just something He thought He saw and then told me in no uncertain terms: I’m not that person, I never will be, He doesn’t love me and never will and I’m not worth a fucking thing to Him or anyone. My kids maybe, that’s just because I’m mom. It’s a purpose.
The Universe was right. I wasn’t listening. He already told me and I wasn’t listening.