I had the bikini on again today. I cut out the lining as He told me a couple of weeks back and as I did, I could feel my breathing quicken and my pussy warm and get wet. It was an instant reaction and I told Him about it when He woke. He did say it was His new favorite bikini and He seemed happy that I shared it. He enjoyed the ass shot I sent in the yellow lace panties.
Hubby came home and saw me washing the car in the bikini, and with some coaxing, he fucked me. I shared that my bikini was full of cum and He said, “show me”. Always so hot when He says that. From there it’s like it didn’t take off. It’s me, because I was just in a funny state of being. Feeling unwanted on some level. Universe seemed to echo those feelings and hubby was luke warm and awkward about fucking me. I felt ignored. Then when I shared with Him I could feel I was still a bit stuck. I’m still stuck now.
I referred to myself as useful and He asked what’s wrong with that? He reminded me that, “That’s it. THAT’S the payoff. Not you seeking praise or worship for it…doing it for a payoff”. I know He’s right and THAT is the whole lesson in being with Him at all. It’s my hardest lesson and one that I have banged my head on over and over.
It didn’t feel good though. It wasn’t His doing, I was already there. It can get dark on me so quickly and all I feel is like a loser. It’s incredible to me how much He, and I guess I can too, feel the intention and the emotions behind all our conversation. I felt needy. I wanted Him to…oh fuck. Just there…I wanted. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I learn? Why can’t I just not want? I suck, and nothing about that comment is good.
As I was writing Him and feeling myself trying to save and turn the conversation back towards hot…I didn’t change my attitude inside. That’s what I did wrong. I ruined the moment. I even shared that my mentor had shared that his collared babygirl was going to be experiencing some wax play that night. My Mentor had at that moment shared how she wore her day collar all the time and he was so thrilled and proud of her…even when she was being bratty. I just felt like another level of wanting something I can’t have.
I so want Him to be thrilled with me. To want to collar me and to be proud of me. I work so hard at it. I wake every day and think of new ways to please Him and send things and make myself better and buy new lingerie and clothes and make sure my hair is hot red and that I wear His ring. I stopped with the pig tails and ponytails. I gave up. He never said anything or brought back babygirl or Daddy. He just had me call Him Sir. Sir.
I miss calling Him Daddy so much, I’m crying. I so deeply miss hearing He luvs His depraved babygirl. I thrill Him for a second and then the next I’m back to proving myself endlessly…only I get tired. I get sad. I get upset. I know I shouldn’t have needs and so I won’t say a thing. I write it here so I can keep going. It’s a place to put all the pain. Like I said, it’s my online diary. I’m sorry to the listener for complaining though. I’ll never learn. I ask too much, I need too much and none of it is submissive.
Ok,enough. Dry the tears, suck it up and remember it’s about His pleasure, His needs and His decisions. Denying I feel need isn’t the key either though. I am human and it’s been so long. Self pity never works though. God, help me please. Help me be better. Help me push this awful ME down and be better. She’s in there somewhere. And she’s the best part of me. The only part He might actually be proud of…or love? I’m sorry.