It’s so quiet this morning. This feeling isn’t just quiet but emptiness. It’s always what I feel when I’m adrift from Him.
I’ve taken a turn that I don’t know how to turn around from, at the moment. I haven’t text Him since Mother’s Day morning. He wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. He has been very kind to me about holidays lately. Since Christmas, really.
I was giving things a little space because of Him getting angry about me saying “fine isn’t hot”. I shared some feelings and an experience with Hubby with Him, but as I expected He didn’t react. The cooling off was basically complete when He yelled/text back that He had been having a really hard time with His health and He was sick of me getting upset because I didn’t get the reaction I wanted.
I worry very much about His health. I pray all the time for His strength and vibrancy to return, but He’s still challenged by so much pain. I can only imagine how much and what it’s like to live like He is. So when He gets upset and sites His health, it’s very upsetting to me. I do my best everyday to get His mind off of it, and He’s right: When I bring up anything about my needs, it’s selfish compared to what He’s going through.
It’s just very hard on me when things cool and I don’t know why. It’s always like that. And if I bring it up, I get smacked down. Yet the impulse is so strong just to want to simply talk about it to Him. What’s wrong? What would you like from me? And this time I so wanted to ask why did you stop giving me tasks?
God I love them. They give me a focus and something that I know He wants instead of me just feverishly hoping something I send will please Him. I had done everything He asked. He seemed so pleased for all of them.
Although after I sent the pee slut videos, He didn’t ask to talk. Then after we played a little through me sending more videos and our texts, He said I should go do my cleaning. Ouch.
It concerned me but I did my best to ignore that. Maybe He couldn’t for many different reasons, even his pain. Or maybe something inside me wasn’t where He felt drawn in to suggest talking. Also a very hard thing to describe. It’s just all about these subtle feelings, and though I’ve learned a lot from it–it can be the absolute hardest part. It’s the unspoken language: feelings. I’m not very good at it He tells me. With His gift of sensing things, He knows where I am internally many times before I do. It’s scary.
Right now, I’m in a tunnel and I have lost my bearings. I shouldn’t have asked my girlfriend for the picture of His hands. It was cruel of her to tell me about it, but my own fault for going where I knew I’d get hurt. She wouldn’t send it and I already knew that would be her reaction. Partly for fear, but without a doubt…to revel in a feeling of power and importance. If she hadn’t admitted that to me I would think I were just so out of myself that I was making things up. I still have trouble believing I heard her say it; how she enjoyed knowing that when He was speaking to her, that meant He wasn’t speaking to me. Amazing.
The strange thing about this is where I am now. I’m upset but not crying; angry but not reacting. In the past, I’ve become so jealous and distraught that I have either run to Him and freaked out or, the last time, angrily sucked a cock and sent a video. It was my attempt at taking the anger to something more acceptable to Him. That angered Him too, though.
So where do I go with all the feelings? I have basically lost a friend. How can she be a friend any longer when she enjoys hurting me like that? My feelings for Him are strange now too. Why am I giving myself to a man who doesn’t feel the same about me that I feel for Him?
He gives to others and feels other woman can be life partners for Him but has made it very clear to me–I am not that to Him. Nor will I ever be…even if I left my life. Makes me wonder what’s wrong with me? And then I think of all the things He has said to me about all my faults. Faults I guess that add up to someone truly useless to Him, except for the playing. Barely.
Something about having my girlfriend hold “His hands” away from me made me step back and look at all of what I’m involved with differently. I feel like a fool with both of them laughing at me. It’s less jealousy this time and just hurt. Why am I doing this to myself? I’m at a party I’m no longer invited to. By either of them. So I’ve stayed silent hoping to gather my bearings again.
The strangest part of this for me is the juxtaposition of that all going on and me continuing my playing with others. Perhaps to hold on to what does feel good. I haven’t fucked anyone since Saturday, but I have been speaking with all these different men. Old friends and new. Two of the new friends have cum from here. They contacted me and both are interested in making me a paid slut!
I can’t explain how enticing that is to me; what it does to my pussy. One young man is asking me to play a slut mom/son fetish (which has me feeling things that are very intense) and the other already is asking for outfits and toys and how he wants me to play.
I can’t wait to play with both of them. As I was talking to Rob (the outfits and toys client) I realized how natural it felt to talk to him about things. It was like it was just part of what I’ve always done, yet I have never been a paid slut on camera before.
I did get paid by a man to tickle his balls and play a game of “not cumming”, but that was almost non-sexual, if you can believe that. This. Being paid to be a slut and fulfill fetishes and fantasies; I had no idea I’d feel as turned on as I am about it.
It’s like I’m admitting on yet another level how good it feels to be a whore. How I want to be used and open my legs for others. How I enjoy the feeling of being everything I’m not in my life. It’s deviant and dirty and incredibly alive. And fucking dangerous too! Everything I do sexually is, except for opening my legs for hubby.
And so this all leads me back to all of this with Him. He showed me all of this. Nothing I’ve felt or discovered has been without His help or without His “knowing” I’d react to it. I owe Him everything. So there is this feeling of ‘just suck it up’ and go back to doing what I should be. Just offer what feels right and drop the expectation–of anything!
Maybe I pull toward adversity because I crave it. The pain makes me feel…alive? I saw a video of a Vet, an intensely vibrant warrior, really, who had PTSD. As he was sharing his story, I wondered about him. What drew him toward such trauma in life? He described just feeling the military was for him, and he had been in some very special ops divisions. Yet, he suffered immensely because of it. I couldn’t help but notice, though, how fucking alive his eyes looked talking about his experiences. Somehow, I get that.
Life is confusing to me. I’m confusing to me. He…is the most confusing of all. I wish I didn’t feel so intensely for Him. It just hurts and yet I’m so drawn to Him and all He has shown me, that being away from Him like this feels foreign. I’m lost, yet my body isn’t running back either. Deep breath.