Most of what I post on here has to do with my feelings, my roller coaster of an experience and my addiction and obsession with Him. He has for two years been showing me what a submissive is and what she is not. My harshest lessons come when I find out what she is not. Like the other day when I hurt myself to hurt Him.
That’s what it was for. I hurt myself to evoke a response from Him and He did. Only that kind of response from Him is the worst response. It’s the kind I will pay for in ways that I never can expect or underestimate. And as much as I am feeling sorrow and remorse for throwing my obsessive freak out at Him, I am calm and still right now.
Something in me is reaching deeper for the reasons I reacted that way. I was just reading an excellent book that keeps surprising me with it’s beautifully lyrical language. “Anam Cara–A Book of Celtic Wisdom”, written by John O’Donohue is full of verses that push up a response from me over and over again.
I’m a slow reader and, obviously a slow learner. I seem to have to repeat mistakes so many times before even the smallest of change happens in me. I throw myself into whatever I do. I’m on fire and I rush to be the best I can. To prove to myself and everyone else that I can and that I’m somehow special. It’s the performer in me. The exhibitionist, as well. However, I wound easily. I break too soon. I give in when I fear failure and I lose focus and heart when things get tough. All faults He knows oh too well. All things He consistently reprimands me for.
I wondered many times why He pushed me to be with other people. Yes, I know it’s a turn on for Him to see this woman who’s lived her whole life in a quiet, repressed way breakout of that shell and start sucking every cock she can get her mouth and hands on. For Him to have evoked that in someone must be a thrill and a feeling that’s pretty wild. I have never gotten the feeling though that it was done for His ego. His own selfish needs. There’s something really deep in Him that no matter how out of control upset I get I sense is there. There is this truth in Him that is so pure and real that it’s truly humbling. That’s why hurting myself to push Him is so profoundly offensive. It was painful in a way that scoffs at all He is. It’s disrespectful.
I remember complaining about something. It was some kind of response I wanted from Him and I was being a little spoiled brat. Entitlement He calls it. “Oh yeah, I really suck at this”, He said. What He was telling me is that there’s something in Him that knows what’s “right” or what works. He not only has that, He IS that.
So why other people? Why not just keep me for His own little play toy? Have me dress up for Him and do things for Him and make sure I promise myself to only Him? Because in other people is where all the experience is. It’s giving myself to others. It’s learning all the intricacies of what other people’s scents and feelings and energies feel like. It’s harder to control anything with others. I almost have to be in the moment. And the less I control the more that surprises me about the situation.
It’s also been amazing feeling what other people feel like. I mean that both physically and in ways I can’t really explain. To have different cocks in my mouth, such an intimate part of each man I’m with, has been what you might call enlightening! The feel of their skin on my tongue, how hard their cocks get, the smell of their skin and clothing, the way they respond to my mouth. One thing is for sure, we’re all human. No matter your color or size or financial stature…all human. All vulnerable, all searching for something, all giving different things at different times.
To have been able to experience all of them without strings attached and only for the purpose of that moment: wonderful.
There was an experience I had last night. It was with someone very young. It caught me by surprise because I wasn’t expecting for anything to happen while I was feeling so afloat with Him. Never the less, I just let it happen. I was sucking and fucking and going crazy and it occurred to me that I was thinking of Him. I was distracted by the fact that I had done something wrong and would this be good to share with Him? Would this make up for anything? I was there but not. When He is “with me” every experience becomes magickal. Without Him, it’s missing something. I can’t put a big enough exclamation point on that.
So all of that is running through me as I sit and look for insight into why the equation gets so twisted up with HIM. I’m guessing that it’s where all my ego needs come up. It’s my biggest fears because I hold so much importance in His opinion of me. How He sees me. As I’ve said, I want Him to love me. I don’t know if He does, but if He does, I doubt it is the kind of love I’ve defined in the past. It’s why He has said that I don’t really love Him. God I do my best to show Him that I do, but what I need and what I want always shows a different story.
If my love were stronger, couldn’t I see that no matter what He does or how He responds, it’s His truth? That His truth and who He is is more important than my stupid insecurities. He’s reminded me many times that He could go around shooting who ever He pleases, whoever pissed Him off would be on that list. But, there are consequences to that action. Every action has one. When I pull that trigger and choose to let my insecurity own me, the consequences are devastating. Maybe I’m calm right now because I’m surrendering to it and Him instead of fighting it. Wish I had chosen that instead of what I did.