I haven’t felt this in a long time. The true feeling of being ignored. More like punished and disregarded. He is speaking to me and so I know I can be grateful for that. But this feeling: it’s the emptiest rock bottom place there is for me.
Like someone took the oxygen out of the room. Like this presence is gone…and it is. He’s not letting me in at all. I can’t feel Him around me. It’s a different feeling than when I feel Him pulling back and not offering yet He knows I’m trying. This is an empty room and the party has left. It’s the most uncomfortable stillness there is.
It truly is a lesson. I speak to Him and He only gives a one or two word response. And again, I should be grateful He’s speaking to me at all. I am. More right this second than before I got upset.
Its not whether He knew that He was upsetting me or pushing me to snap. My job, my only job, was to listen. To take His response whatever it was and give in to it. Melt into whatever He said. Not my needs but His. Not my decisions only His. Not my discretion…it is His. And I tried to wrestle Him for it. I tried to take it from Him and I never get anything that way.
I snapped but I blamed Him for my pain. The truth is it didn’t matter. If He wasn’t willing to give me His attention then there was something in me that wasn’t inviting it in. My will. My damned god damned stupid will.
This is the punishment. It’s not the punishment that good sluts get for something slutty they did; this is isolation from what I tried to take. The exact opposite of what I wanted.
Its life too. That same thing is everywhere we just don’t admit it. Yes we have to work and earn things, but there’s this internal code that when broken kills all your hard work.
To be still, like a warrior, takes more courage and strength and such a surrender. It’s something I didn’t have any of the other night. It’s my ego and the fear of something being taken from me. Inside me has to be the confidence that what is mine will never pass me.
I don’t have to try and steal it…god especially with Him. Just to offer myself and if it’s pure; it’ll come. If it doesn’t…it never was mine to start with.