The truth is: I don’t really know. I don’t know if He is messing with my mind or helping me. Yesterday, the day before…two years ago. I sensed someone very dark. Very deep and way beyond what I could handle.
He knows my every move, every behavior, every thought and feeling; so is it possible He doesn’t see how He affects me? He has said that He enjoys hurting me and that I crave pain and so He gives it from a distance. He used to yell. A lot. Now His calm is unnerving. It scares the fuck out of me. I don’t know what He’s doing. Am I wrong for fearing His ability to hurt me? He said yesterday that He knew I “thought” that and said He had no idea what it was.
Do you have any idea how confusing it is to me? Is it true? My heart wants it to be. My heart wants to believe He loves me. That He’s watching over me. There’s still a special place inside me that feels that dream and clings to it saying it’s real. I relax when I feel it. He has my wellbeing at heart. He would never truly hurt me.
I sent some pix yesterday He seemed to like. But there was this strange feeling all day. Then I was alone in my house. God I wanted to talk to Him and hear His voice. I sent a text that said that my lil girl heart gets so excited when he’s happy. And so does something else. It’s sounds sweet, yes? He didn’t answer. I felt my panic start. I tried to hold it down. It’s been so long that He hasn’t called me His baby girl. I snapped. I sent more photos in an outfit. Nothing. I was losing it. Cracking.
I took a large belt and hit myself across my tits. Over and over again. I looked at the camera and said that He liked my pain. Here. Have it. Have it all.
My tits got all red and stung. The belt left such blood red marks. I didn’t realize until I stopped. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t even feel what I did to myself.
I sent it and in a second’s time He answered. “WTF is your issue”.
“I’m fuckin done with you dumpin your emotional dysfunction on me”.
I panicked and spent the next hour sending sorry and sorry. Begging for Him to forgive me. I gave up. Only my night didn’t stop there.
Next hubby is next to me, I shut the lights and say good night. He’s upset. A friend asked is we were ok. He saw somethings on me on Facebook. We’re fighting again and he’s insecure and wants his old wife back.
His friends just want to fuck me and that scares him. Might upset him more if he knew how many did. And then I remind him that he could take his anger out on me in a different way.
With that he makes me go upstairs and get naked. Breaks out the flogger and hits me with it. Hits my ass and drags it between my cheeks on my ass and it tickles my cunt lips. Then he strikes over and over so hard. The sting is everywhere and I’m crying but not letting him see.
I’m so fucked up. I want the pain. It helps. I feel calmer. I’m just still so upset about Him. I’m always in pain about Him.
Today, I noticed the marks did bleed. Bleeding isn’t enough. Nothing is. He said not another word about yesterday. He is talking to me. I guess. What is my purpose though? I’m very lost. I have no one to talk to about this. I write it down here. I write and I cry.
I know that there are two sides to this. His side may be I was pushing. I could feel it but I ignored it. The pain and fear overrode my control. I’m crazy I know. Thanks for listening.