A reader from here who connected with me on Skype wrote me last night asking me something that I felt best answering here. He wrote: Can I ask a question? You seem in love with this person you’ve never met and he clearly has this hold on you. I get that he made you realize your true self but why put yourself through the pain of waiting on him when you now know who you are? He was a tool to make you realize who you are and maybe he was only useful for that reason.
If I am crossing the line with that please let me know, I have just always been curious.
Funny, but when I read the part about Him being a tool, my breathing stopped. So, um…”tool” and “useful”. Interesting words. Words I’d never use attached to Him out of respect for who He is, but also because of the nature of the relationship. Those words I’d use for me rather than Him. That’s for absolutely certain.
Yes, He has without a doubt helped me to find things inside myself I had no connection to and was hiding very deeply. I still hide from things, but not so easily. It’s a box that’s been opened and I can’t just close it and pretend I haven’t seen, felt and lived what’s in it.
He has at times forced that in me. That has made me want to blame Him for things too. But we’re all adults here, right? We all know that someone two thousand miles away can’t force me to do something I didn’t decide to do myself. I didn’t somewhere inside myself truly want to do.
Yes, god I wanted to please Him. I wanted to show Him I’d do anything. But like I’ve said before–He gave me permission to live what I was too afraid to live by telling me to do it. Nothing He ever said to do was something that He didn’t sense and KNOW was a secret desire.
But the question was really why I put myself through the pain of “waiting on Him” now that I’ve ‘seen the light’, so to speak? First and foremost, and I have to admit this myself to myself…I crave the pain. My psyche, my crazy fucking mind, heart, body and even spirit CRAVE it. I scream for it and no one…wait, let me state that in bold type: NO ONE ON THIS PLANET CAN DO THAT BETTER OR WITH MORE STYLE THAN HE DOES!
I have never in my life met anyone who can pry me open and hurt me is such a brutally hot, steamy, torturously…erotically all encompassing way than He can. I can only fucking imagine what He could have done to me physically to bring that to a climax I’d never be able to live without. Perhaps that’s just part of a life lesson that I’m being taught. Of never fully feeling what I so long for and never will experience.
It’s a strange feeling when I don’t speak to Him for a day or even two. It doesn’t happen often, but it is my way of saying to myself, “I don’t need Him”. That maybe it’s best for me to stop all this seeking approval and hoping that someday I’ll do the right thing, that I’ll finally please Him. Only, inside I’m never free. Inside I feel Him. I hear His voice, feel His presence and how my life and everything about me is so wrapped up in Him. There are chains that are not always metal and not always physical. Some chains bind in our hearts and minds. His are stronger than anything I’ve ever felt.
There’s another side to this regarding Him and His life that I don’t feel comfortable going into. It’s a quiet part of my heart that I can’t explain. Like something I sense about Him but can’t and won’t put into words anyway. Some things there are no words for I guess, but it doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
Right this moment, I have written to Him and expressed something that I’m hoping He will respond back to. I’ve been feeling awkward, strange, “disconnected” as He calls it. I looked inside and described a dream this morning that seemed to echo what’s going on in my life.
I met a man in the woods with a huge cock. My family was in the far distance and I felt I could get away with fucking this man. I was so turned on by how big he was and he was aggressive with me. Pulled me behind a tree and pushed my head down to bend me over. He began to fuck me but didn’t push his cock all the way into me. I felt so wet and needy and wanted more. I reached around and tried to maneuver him in further but he wouldn’t go. I woke so stuck feeling inside.
I shared that with Him and then there was silence. And true to my stupid nerves and probably craving for pain, I couldn’t just wait. I asked if I had basically been all over the place and inappropriate. He finally answered that it was fine but let me know I was being inappropriately insecure.
I tried to calm myself and shake that shit off and shared some feelings and thoughts about my life.
And that is how it is. I can fucking lose it. Which, I am. Or I can do the only thing that I can do…breathe…be patient…settle myself…and TAKE THE PAIN. It is what I asked for anyway. And He delivers it in a way that He knows will cause me eventually to react. I always do. I’ll either go deeper into victim or I’ll snap and go let out my pain by being abused by someone. The release of being fucked by a stranger that I feel humiliation with or by something else that shows what a freak I am.
It all releases something inside me I guess. It all in the end some how shows Him something that He already knows I am. His slut. His slave. His.
And that’s why I wait. Because I can’t NOT. I’ll wait for His words. I’ll wait for His approval. I’ll wait for His love…even though it will never cum.
Besides, now that I “know who I am” and it’s because of Him, does it seem right to just take that and not say thank you back in any way I can? If someone offered you the ultimate gift, is that how you would repay them? He can do what He wants and chooses to me, and no matter how upset or even angry I get, He has that right.
Underneath it all, it’s all for Him. Everything I do and write and live…it’s all for Him. I’m here in my life and I have responsibilities. Things I have to do and be, but nothing rips through to who I am and who I must be more than who I am for Him.
That’s why. Thanks for reading.