Smoke on the Water

I’ve been in excruciating pain the last two days. Toothache I thought but then I realized it was my jaw. When I looked up what jaw pain is telling you: anger, resentment, desire for revenge.

Can you guess what He told me about myself around two months ago? Those exact words. He said I’m so filled with resentment that I’m striking out at everyone in my life including Him in the belief that the world owes me for my pain. That I seek revenge against everyone, especially those close to me because I’m not living the life I want. I blame them and Him.

There are ways to go about dealing with those feelings. The feelings themselves aren’t what wrong with me, it’s how I deal with them. I either go crazy and strike out and blow up my whole fucking life and watch as it burns down into cinders (that was me a few months ago and again now) or I swing the other way and go into denial and hide it inside and then take it out on others quietly–passive-aggressively. And then the internal conflict inside myself builds to the point of literal pain for me.

I’m feeling it now. It’s throbbing and just reminding me why I’ve been feeling so out of it and out of control. The funny thing about control, by the way, is that I want so badly for HIM to take control…but it’s what I’m doing that is the reason He won’t; or even more poignantly painfully why He can’t. I blow up my own bridges and then ask why I can’t feel Him any more.

I wrote to the 13 inch cock guy before. I suddenly felt clear about what I felt and part of this is being honest with others as well as myself. He’s actually a very caring nice guy. It’s why I even went there with Him at all. If I felt he was a scumbag, I would have just deleted him. Instead I told him that he lied to me and that it was hurtful and manipulative. That since I’ve met Him (Daddy), I’ve been forced to face so much of myself. My lies, manipulation, how I ask for attention, seek approval when I haven’t really worked for it. That I hate Him as much as I love Him for never EVER letting me get away with being anything but responsible for my actions and absolutely real and honest. I said that I have no problem being manipulated but I want it told to me as the truth.

He lied to me and he did so because he wanted me to believe he was 13 inches. That’s something he has to look at himself. I used the lie as a bit of humiliation and pain. I let myself feel degraded. I used it instead of feeling crushed by it. There has to be honesty even if someone is hurting me for their pleasure. That is something He shared with me at Christmas about what I give, my submission, and it being a “gift”. The person I’m giving it to has to be respectful of that gift even though they may be treating me like a cheap whore. It’s the basis for so much understanding for me. But in that takes so much honesty from me, as well.

I have to be able to look at myself and see how I’ve been slipping into a place of stinginess. Of asking for the rewards of submission but not actually giving it. It’s why He said before that my feeling of isolation right now is my own fault. When I’m lying to myself, I wind up lying to everyone in my life and I push against that until it hurts.

I’ve been pushing against my family. I don’t want to be here any more. Forgive me for saying that. I want to be where He is. I have this convoluted idea that if I’m happy here, I can’t have there. That if I reject this then I can have Him. That they are the reason I can’t be with Him and there’s anger and resentment and a desire for revenge. Oh, why does it take me so fucking long to see this shit? Instead, I have to hurt everyone around me, destroy my connection with Him and ultimately, hurt myself. The true villain can’t get away with the crime. Self hate is a remarkable animal. It starts inside the person but wraps around to everyone and returns to sender.

Fine. So now that I’m full of tears and remorse, how do I fix this? Letting go of the clenched jaw is the first thing. Second, give to those around me that are asking for me. The me I’m denying them. Third, stay away from Him for a bit. Not for any other reason than to stabilize myself and stop bothering Him and sucking the fucking life out of Him. Psychic Vampire that I am. God I’m sorry.

This. This is the reason there’s been no invitation to meet Him. That’s being honest. It’s not that I am giving up on ever feeling His love. Of course I feel that. There’s never been anyone more inside me or closer to me than He. Ever, ever, ever. It’s just that the only way I could possibly feel His love is if He can feel mine.

Thank you for reading.

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