What’s wrong with me? Why the fuck am I so pitiful? Is that full of pity? Maybe. The day started with a couple of photos of myself in a new zip up sweatshirt bought from a charity organization I do my best to help. It’s one He loves very much.
I was naked under the sweatshirt and kind of cuddled in it exposing my ass and one tit. Shortly after sending it, I saw He had written “very cute”. It felt good and almost child like to hear that from Him. Deep down it tugged at something that I didn’t let myself admit till now. I long so much to hear Him say it again. Babygirl.
I haven’t heard Him call me that in so many months now. I mostly never mention it. It’s like the Elephant in the room only that’s too fun and light. It’s the crack in my heart, and it eats at me.
I’m allowed to say it here. I can say that it hurts and I get lost almost every day on what I’m doing. I felt so fucked up today, but I can’t wake and say, “Hey, I feel like shit this morning”. “Nothing makes a god damn grain of sense to me and I don’t want to hurt any more”.
But, see here’s the problem: I just hide it inside. I get up and I put some pretty makeup on even though I feel ugly as shit today and I go and help in the world as much as I can and I talk to strangers and feel their pain and understand it because it’s my pain and they’re here to show me it’s beyond me and I post that pain on social media and I write to Him to tell Him I’m sorry for not sharing today very well cause I’m scared to death I’m going to say the wrong thing or ask the wrong question or He’ll know how god damned confused I am today and then I fucking ram my fist into my own mouth by asking a fucked up question that I already know the answer to but I’m so fucked up that I twist shit all up in my head and I’m not sure. I’m really not fucking sure what I know or don’t know. Or maybe I asked the fucking question in the wrong way. Or maybe I need to run the fuck away from everything.
Shit, don’t try this at home folks. Only professional addicts apply. Oh fuck, Alan Watts is right when he was talking about really looking at what we love and being honest about it. That it is the only way to start seeing things differently. I am lost in self pity and it’s self love isn’t it? It’s just being fucking convinced that’s what hurting US is all that counts. And the more you push that away and deny it the fucking more painfully it digs itself in. Like a blood sucking little tick I pulled off of me today. Nothing by accident.
At least I did one thing right today: I listened to someone else that was in pain and I could feel her needing someone to see that in her. ‘Just don’t let me feel this alone…it’s too heavy’. It’s what I felt from her any way.