I’m in the car with the cellphone held by one of my black lovers. He’s getting video of me sucking his hard black cock so I can show Him. I just want to show Him. I need to show Him. This isn’t real or getting in to me unless I can share it with Him.
We had just spoken on Skype and suddenly the connection was lost. I’m not sure why I felt so lost at that moment, but I went to the store and I was sinking. I could feel it. I tried so hard to look at what it was I was feeling. Maybe neediness again. We spoke while I was in my purple sheer panties and leopard bra. I lay in a way that was open and enticing, wanting so badly to feel His desire for me. I hesitated on writing that. I know that’s not the right place to be.
This is my constant issue: that I want so badly to feel His wanting me. And He didn’t say much. We spoke about lots of other things but nothing about me lying half naked in front of Him. It’s maddening but that’s why I feel it that way. I feel it because I want something from Him. God damn it, I wasn’t just trying to please Him.
And when I ran to the store for a few things…there was my black lover. As usual the Universe is there to deliver. It’s either because I’m putting out the need to be fucked and so in touch with that feeling of being used that I literally will find myself with a cock in my mouth almost as I’m thinking of it; or it’s because I’m a mess in some way. I’m pulling in the experience to punish myself or drown my misery or cover my needs in distraction. The latter was most likely what I did today.
I know He knew too. I can feel it. (Although He says most of my feelings like this are wrong, I just don’t feel I got this one wrong).I’m sometimes afraid to say it, because at least He’s not pissed at me. At least He’s talking to me and sharing with me. But this is pure victim shit. I think as I’m sucking cock and showing Him that I’m covering that up. Only, He always knows. He knows before I do.
Sometimes it’s His forgiving nature that lets me self correct.
I know that from your view it sounds like this is all the opposite. It’s not. I’m giving but not. I’m putting my ego aside but there it is. I’m convinced I’m doing it for Him but I’m drowning in my own needs. How the fuck is that giving to Him or anyone? I’m not saying black lover didn’t enjoy exploding His cock down my throat; or that Daddy (if I’m allowed to use that name) doesn’t enjoy watching me suck cock–looking in the camera and directing my affections at Him even with another guy’s cock in my mouth (He already knows I’d give my life for it to be His cock). Still, it’s all in the fine details. It’s the subtle, unspoken feelings and ether around my actions that mean crossing into a different world with Him.
I know it.
He knows it.
It’s in the heart of intention where my best moments cum from. It’s more pure in this moment when I realize and truly feel the difference and can feel myself shift. Maybe a little late, but better late than never.
And I swear to you, I just felt myself exhale. It’s admitting the truth no matter what it is.
I think back to how I’ve described what has happened between us. How I’ve painted a picture that makes Him the cruel, unbending villain and I, the poor innocent victim. I’ve done it with friends and I do it here. I wallow in it myself, but it’s simply not the truth.
He doesn’t blame others. He clearly sees their responsibility in their actions. He doesn’t lie. He tells it like it is and stands back and waits to see what you’ll do with it. I blame. I lie. It’s so so fucking subtle but it’s there. It’s called passive aggressive behavior and I’m riddled with it. It confuses me when I do it, because at the moment I’m “convinced” that I’m right. Really, though, I’m just convincing myself. Hiding behind it, like I hid behind sucking cock today.
I have to say though that in all this craziness…underneath it all…I STILL love sucking cock. I so do. But He asks more than that of me and everyone He’s involved with. He clearly said to me at the beginning of this adventure: It’s about self discovery. It’s about healing and it’s about freedom.
So today, I discovered a little bit more about my tendency to ignore what’s really there. That I push against a feeling because I “hope” that it’s not there. As if I don’t see it, it won’t be there.
I learned I can laugh at myself a bit and be thankful that He’s so forgiving. I learned that I can be stronger in facing all my shit rather than lying to myself. Or Him.
But I think, for now, I’ll just keep this between us. He’s not yelling, so why bother Him : )
Post thought: another reason I feel I was seeking “showing Him something” was because a few days ago I missed an opportunity. I completely fumbled. It was fucking embarrassing. Three movers showed at a house I was cleaning and I was so awkward. God my stomach tightens just thinking about it. He was on Skype watching. I just wasn’t in the zone. And that can be unnerving. Today was a little awkward but I picked up a young black man and he let me suck his cock. That so turns me on and I just felt so good being able to share it with him. Maybe it was partially to make up for being so lame. Fuck. I’m still pissed about that. A gang bang is something I just haven’t experienced. It’s on my mind. Especially right now.