Many days I post a screeching loud version of my dire victimhood when it cums to Him. I feel it swallowing me up, and I believe in it so much, it does. He calls that my black hole. And it’s a very accurate description.
This morning I grabbed my phone looking to text a good morning to Him. There was a message that said “Happy Birthday” waiting for me. He had posted it last night after I had fallen asleep. I took a deep breath in and smiled.
Last year, He wasn’t speaking with me. It had already been almost three months of the six in silence from Him, and when my birthday came I went into that black hole. I crawled in and stayed there the whole day. I prayed so hard that He’d break the silence on that day. See the glaring self importance in that? I was filled with it.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have my issues with being self absorbed to the point of hysteria when I’m in victim mode, but experiences like that left me to my own pain. To really see what I felt from being denied attention and a sense of importance in someone’s life.
I dealt with it again last night when He reminded me, yes re-minded me, that I was still looking for an ego boost. That is why it’s so important that I learn to deal with those needs. To be not only strong enough when He decides that what I said and sent wasn’t attention worthy, but balanced and clear enough to know the difference in what I’m sending.
That quiet little voice in the back of my mind and deep in my body already knows whether I’m leaning in to Him for something that isn’t deserved. The only things He ever responds to are pure, authentic and lacking ANY ego screaming tantrums. I know the difference. When I’m quiet and feeling in my own…what I send He responds to. It could be just a head shot, it has to do with a feeling.
When I saw “Happy Birthday”, what I felt was grateful. I realized that last year there was silence and distance and emptiness. Those words meant He was there. I didn’t need anything else. I felt content just because. It was unexpected and without expectation, there was nothing to be disappointed in!
That feeling seemed to lead to Him asking if I could talk. My god, this was a good birthday!! I came on camera naked and said that I figured my birthday suit was appropriate. I’m glad He agreed and when I said I was thinking of touching my tits, He said “go ahead”. I slowly cupped my full tits in my hands and felt them like they were His hands touching me. Like it was His skin exploring mine.
His words saying how He’s make me sit in a restaurant with Him: across the table putting my hands under my shirt touching my tits so He could watch me…and others could too. He used “Daddy” to describe himself and things He’d do to me if we were together. His name and what His body would be like are the ultimate aphrodisiac to me. He knows full well what that does to me. My pussy wanted to explode, and I squirted over and over before I finally came for Him.
I yelled out, “Daddy…I’m cumming. I’m cumming, Daddy”. I felt my whole body tingle while my pussy was squirting more of my juices all over the bed covers. Time stops, everything in my world goes away and it’s Him and our time together that I focus on. It’s a place that feels like a secret garden that has only one way in: letting go. No expectation, no agenda, no planning, no neediness, no begging or complaining ever gets me in that door with Him. It’s too pure for that and so is He.
I realized that what I had sent for His birthday was that (His birthday is in a few days). It came from that same place. It was an image from in my heart and regardless of whether I can ever hope to enter that secret garden again with Him, no less to stay in it, for right now…for this beautiful moment I’m content. I’m filled. Not because of Him doing what I wanted. No. It was because of the flow and surrender that had to happen to experience that WITH Him. It was because of His giving nature that I only get to feel when I surrender everything.
Please, God/dess, give me the eyes to see this always, the heart to feel it forever. It’s the only key there is.