Cumming from His Attention

There are days like today when my heart won’t stop pounding and my stomach won’t stop twisting. I fear sometimes that means something really upsetting is coming. I pray not; I really do. I just feel beat up lately, and not in an erotic way either.

Fear…pure and simple. I fear saying and doing the wrong thing. To try and beat this off of me, I contacted nearly every guy I know on Kik and Skype. I sent pix of myself in the latest hottest things I could find, and I tried so hard to wrap myself in their comments back. They say sweet and what should feel exciting things to me. Call me fuckdoll and tell me how they would love to fill me with their cum, humiliate me and fuck me hard. When He is saying ‘ok’ and ‘gm’ for good morning and answering nearly every question with one word…how do I feel turned on?

That twisted stomach and aching heart sit on top of me and keep reminding me that all is not great. I consider at those moments to just stay away for a little while. Just to get my balance back. Screaming my lungs out in the car isn’t balanced. It’s fucked up.

I tell myself that He is always right. Yet, His being right doesn’t calm this inside. Sometimes I feel that Him giving me the name “Daddy” to imprint on Him may have been His most cruel act ever. To have felt His protection and love, His warmth and affection and absolutely ravaging erotic grasp on me–to lose that is death.

Yet, I guess there’s a lot to learn from deprivation. It’s my fear that I’ll die without His attention. Even though it feels like that and I fear coming apart at the seams, I have to deal with it. I have to learn to go without what feels good. I have to get that or I get nothing.

Two nights ago, He let me speak to Him on Skype. It was actually a really relaxed conversation that built to very hot. I told Him so many things that I had stopped telling Him because when I would mention them, He wouldn’t respond so I just stopped trying. I wanted to so badly, and telling Him then was such a release.

He had to go suddenly on Skype, but I was on fire. My pussy was dripping from our conversation. I had brought up all the men I was speaking to and about what. One part was about a black male Dom I had almost been connected to. Another Dom was asking me questions: Would I be willing to take 10-20 black men at the same time; stay for around 10 hours of continual use; take it in all three holes and double penetration; could they get rough with me and at the end they would all cum in my mouth and then piss on me.

That scene, just talking about it, got me so hot. It’s crazy what the idea of a gang bang does to me. My fantasies go wild. It’s that feeling of being totally helpless and giving in to that. I know that my mind probably makes it different then it would be, but still I’m so attracted to this idea.

After He hung up, I sent a video of myself slowly pushing Kermit (green vibrator) into my pussy and telling Him how hot I felt from our conversation. It felt like I couldn’t stop myself from making that video…or the next two. I sent them and just prayed He would respond. He said, “definitely better spent energy” and I felt an opening. I said that I hoped it had made his cock hard and when He said, “very”…my god, I could fly. I gushed how wet my pussy was and he asked if I were still playing with it.

It’s moments like that I wish I could slow down, tuck them into my heart so I could make it through all the deprivation. And it’s funny, but as I’m writing this I’m doing just that. I’m filling myself up with that moment because the pain from being reprimanded for sharing that I couldn’t take the hand holding me away anymore was getting to be too much for me.

He made me cum. Telling me to jam Kermit into my cunt and turn my ring around and grind my clit as hard as I could till I came. I was fighting it though. I wanted to cum so badly, but I wanted Him to cum too. That feeling is so painful. Wanting to please Him by getting Him off and at the same time He’s TELLING me to get off. That torture of wanting to listen, wanting to hold back and craving that connection with Him and what it means to have Him tell me to do anything.

It always amazes me how hard I cum when He is with me. And I guess I did tuck it away into my heart, cause I feel it. I feel His attention even though it’s just a dream.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s