I hate that feeling when I see a text from her now. It’s the truth. She’s my friend, but since she’s been involved with Him…I dread the sight of her name.
She had stayed away from Him for a month. Their last talk freaked her out. I don’t know what they discussed but she must have felt really challenged for her to stay away that long. He had contacted her she told me. Fuck, I know she said that to just give me a dig. She knows He doesn’t do that for me. If I leave…He’ll just ignore me. Maybe because He knows I can’t stay away.
I broke down talking to her. It just tears me apart that he is talking to her, exciting her, giving her what I long for. And if I mention it more than I did last night, He will cut me down so quickly I won’t know what hit me.
I could feel my hands and fingers literally shaking as I text Him if getting a pussy pic from me and turning her on the same night got His cock hard. That it had wet my pussy in the angriest most fucked up way. And it had. I came over it that night. I’m that fucked up. I could feel my blood boiling, but I turned it into the only thing I could: a turn on. Anything else and I’d be without something; His name again (even though I haven’t uttered it in three weeks since I came in front of Him) or Him. I was wading through a flood of thoughts run through my head. So much pain over all the things He had shared with her and not me.
I got on the bed after I put my phone down and sucked hubby’s cock so hard I don’t think he knew what to make of it. Got in my car and text my black lover. “Come outside if you want me to blow you” I said. He was there as I was pulling up. I made sure to record it though. I had promised Him that I would share anything that happened sexually. I could feel how incredibly fucked up I was at that moment. I could feel myself going darker. As if someone had me locked in a room where the walls were closing in on me. I just sucked harder and moaned louder.
I picked my head up and uttered some pretty disturbing looking comments into the camera and went back to sucking his cock, like I was wrestling with a python. I made sure to open my mouth and show my tongue full of this guy’s cum. I swallowed hard and had the most eerie look on my face. It scared me. My gripping feelings scared me. I felt on the edge of just fucking snapping.
After sending the video I got still. A calm that felt wrong. How do I reconcile this? The anger and the feeling of something being literally ripped from my soul. He talks to me about mundane things, disregards my pictures that I dress for and pose for and hope so badly he’ll find pleasing, laughs at my attempts at saying anything sexual. And at the same time, He shares intimate details of His mind with her, he plays with her…He gave her His attention. The panic that fills me is blinding.
It’s torture and I don’t know what is wrong with me inside that I couldn’t just hold on to a piece of dignity inside myself and walk away. I hate myself. In that moment I hate me more than anything in the world.
I’m living in my heart and mind somewhere in between a love story and a razor blade. Maybe it’s all my own delusion, too. Maybe I believe that He cares or even likes me, is attracted to me, but truly it’s just fun to fuck with such a weak mind.
Still, I woke the next morning…and sent pictures for St. Patrick’s Day. There was mention of it being a day for wearing green, but He never said a word about my pictures. This is without a doubt the most deprivation I’ve ever lived through. It’s been somewhat like this for most of the two years, but now is different. I’m not saying what I feel. I’m not complaining. I’ve turned into an obedient drone that just pushes all my emotions back down so that I can at least see a text from Him.
That’s why when I saw that she got what I work so hard for, I uncork…but I can’t! So it’s a breakdown inside that I just bite my fist harder and find a way to deal with it. He never mentions it to me either. I know how intuitive He is. I know He is aware of all of this, but He says nothing. And I say nothing. I wonder sometimes, does He miss feeling that way with me?
I keep reminding myself that it’s His rules. He must have His reasons for all He does. Do I misinterpret what He is doing? Am I so needy that I’m literally blinded by it? All I can do is breathe, let go and “do as you’re told”. I’m just glad to have a place to express what might literally end me if not for an outlet like this. So thanks for letting me vent : )