I told Him about this diary. At first He seemed pleased. I almost felt He was going to call me His lil slut or something that meant that I couldn’t keep myself from sharing how much of a slut I was…and how much I enjoyed it.
Then it all changed. He seemed not so happy and then told me some things I just really don’t understand.
I was feeling pretty crazy before. I had some disturbing thoughts. There are times, I guess everyone feels them, when being alive feels too hurtful. His words just hurt and I don’t always know why He says things.
I didn’t say anything back. I just took some pix this morning and hoped He would be ok with me. But truth be told nothing is ok. I’m fooling myself.
I hope with all my heart I am someone He wants. But something about me…He’ll never love me. I can hope and pray and try to do the right thing. I can try and be submissive till I literally kill myself. Something in me is just a walking mistake.
As sad and freaked as I am though, I got a message from a guy on Skype; I reached out instead of continuing my spiral into hell. I told this guy the truth about what I was dealing with but he was good enough to keep me from staying there. All he had to say was “You beautiful cock sucker you”and she came back. The slut in me can’t resist that kind of verbal abuse.
Truth is I needed it more than I can explain. It was my lifeline at the moment. I craved being hurt and punished. Tortured and bruised so hard that I couldn’t think anymore. That the physical pain became so intense that my pain inside drained away.
Any good strong punishers out there who want to take on the job?