Humiliation. What is it exactly? It’s a way to make someone feel less than they are. Take them down to a level that belittles them. Rip their sense of confidence away from them.
That’s my angered hurt version of what humiliation is. What it feels like to me when I’m at my worst and weakest. But, humiliation also comes from the word humility: to be humble. There is a beautiful surrendering in not needing or looking for ego food.
I’m not very good at it. Two years of that being shown to me in so many ways, and I still feel that need to be stroked inwardly. To be told I’m good and lovable and important.
Humiliation is one of my fetishes. I don’t really enjoy writing that. It feels dirty and embarrassing and yet I know what it does to me sexually. My mind plays with the idea of being talked to in a way that cuts me down or belittles me. It’s more often about feeling like a worthless slut. That I’ll do anything for His attention and give myself to others for that purpose. Sometimes it just taking away my choices in a situation.
I have felt how hard I’ve cum when I’m playing over in my mind how He treats me. Last night I sent a message saying how turned on I felt from this show I was watching. He responded with ‘lol’. I started yelling at my phone. I threw it across the bed. I wiped tears away because the anger and humiliation of that felt so intense.
And only He can do that to me. No one else. Because I just don’t care about anyone else’s opinion of me in that way. No, I didn’t make myself cum over it. Sometimes it doesn’t turn me on. It just fucking hurts and wounds.
Yet, deep down I know that the intense power He wields with that humiliation to make me feel like my pussy has no right to be wet…it’s like the feeling of an open hand slapped across my face (another HUGE turn on for me).
It always shows me Who is in charge.
Humiliation’s two sides: Sexual deviance and what it does to me and the spiritual releasing of a way-too-needy ego. Am I strong enough to admit that I need Him to make sure I can’t decide the rules and also embrace the (w)holy lesson of surrender?
I only know I shared that I was confused. And that, in a way, is needing something. The best response would have been no response. That’s submissive. It’s a journey. That’s for sure.