He called me adorable, y’all. That’s something that had such an impact that it woke me at 3:28 in the morning thinking about it. No. You don’t understand the significance of this….it’s fucking EPIC.
For about two months now He’s been distant. It’s been agonizingly painful. There have been days where I’ve kept my cool and just gone on and others that I just fell apart. No other way to describe it. My mind just seeking an answer, a resolution to how to open His mind and heart to me again.
I have done some things that are inexcusable as a submissive (again, if I’m allowed to even call myself a submissive). Jealousy was one of the big ones. I won’t go into it because it’s a post for another day, but let’s suffice it to say that I took my own feelings and wanted to make them His experience. Yeah, lashing out ain’t exactly submissive. Lost me the ‘D’ word (familiar form of the word father) for over two months now.
I didn’t realize that eyes don’t ever seem to run out of tears. An agonizing mistake for sure. So when I heard Him say that to me today, I honestly didn’t know how to react. I think I muttered something about being in messy clothes and blinked a few more times than normal. In other words, I couldn’t process the moment. Words can be gifts just as much as weapons.
Somewhere deep down inside to be completely honest…there’s me not being able to accept it. Not only cognitive dissonance from hearing so many weaponized remarks from Him, but it’s a worthiness issue. That’s another big post! Hearing Him say I was adorable caused me to block…not embrace. I didn’t feel adorable. My ego, that part of me that likes to notice if my hair looked good that day or if I got any attention from men felt ok with it, but the deeper part didn’t. She said, ‘not possible’.
And that’s been a huge part of this journey for me: trying to understand why I do what I do. There’s no way to understand that unless there’s an understanding of what I feel and why. Even being called ‘baby girl’ had it’s issues in me. That’s just it, isn’t it? A feeling of whether I’m worthy of being called adorable or anything sweet? Soooo much easier being worthless. Being treated like a worthless slut seemed to take all those self hate issues and give them a place of their own.
My eating issues of stuffing myself with so much food, feeling guilty and ashamed and throwing it all up in the toilet was all tied in to this too. I still do it when I’m stressed. The food feels like words of love and the toilet is the punishment for it. Unworthy. Undeserving of the gift. And so I force myself to give it up.
I was thinking about bulimia compared to anorexia. I didn’t have anorexia. You know why? Because I wasn’t disciplined enough. That sounds absolutely nuts, but it’s true when I started really considering it. Anorexia is for someone who has complete control over themselves. They have the discipline to stop themselves from the basic survival need of eating. I. Did not. I had an insatiable need for more. I COULDN’T control myself. I had to have all of it. And then some more. I wanted so much but then felt horrified in myself for what I had done and was determined not to have to pay for that act of indulgence. The need to erase all signs of it. Especially not to gain weight!
So He’s right, it was just more of me not being honest and also wanting to take the easy way out. All this from being called adorable.
So here’s a challenge for me: To feel…really feel His gift of ‘adorable’ and YET not fill myself with ego. No joke. To feel there is something about me that is worthy of love. To take that ‘food’ and eat it and keep it inside.
Note: I wrote this and never published it till now. I was too afraid He might read this and be angry at it. I made the mistake of saying to Him the next morning: “you called me adorable. You can’t have it back. It’s mine for keeps”. I hid behind being cute, but it was the wrong thing to say. It was pointing it out. It was sabotaging myself in the stupidest most ungrateful way. One of my trademarks and a lovely side effect of self hate, lack of confidence and denial all wrapped up with a dirty pink ribbon. I do so depise my inner demons. Stop stepping on land mines would ya? Ya fuckin’ idiot.