I started this blog because…well, mostly, I’m an attention whore and a flagrant exhibitionist. Also, though, I needed a place to keep my head clear and a place to share my heart aches AND heart racings! (Plus, it’s always an honoring and adoring of Him. I’m sure anyone reading this can get that above all else).
If you’re a fan of “Walking Dead“, then perhaps you remember Negan’s scene with Spencer at the pool table. Spencer is looking to smooth over Negan and cut Rick out as the leader. Negan tells Spencer how Rick was out scavenging for him and keeping the group alive. That Rick hated Negan with a vengeance and yet he was doing what he had to do. “That takes guts”, he pointed out to the weasel Spencer. At that point Negan splits Spencer’s guts open all over the street. He did have guts after all.
A brutally disgusting scene, but it stuck in my head for a reason. Rick did what needed to be done. He basically had become submissive to Negan’s dominance, and Negan was smart enough to see that it took incredible inner strength on Rick’s part to fight his own needs and emotions. To submit.
I asked Him a question today about a quote He had shared with me. He named the author of the quote and I thought perhaps it was for a reason. Turns out the author is a spiritual teacher.
For a while now, for reasons I don’t completely comprehend, He has shut me out from asking Him about spirituality. I’m so fascinated by His way of looking at everything; spirituality being one of them that I crave Him sharing with me. He feels I don’t approach spirituality in an authentic way, and that I am not willing to put my whole self into learning. That is the most I can understand His reasoning for cutting me off there.
I have gotten very hurt in the past over it. More than just hurt, I have literally fought with Him over it. I wanted to know why and was quite disrespectful. It was a feeling inside that something was wrong with me. That He was saying I wasn’t worthy of being included or taught or shown.
I’m guessing that was exactly His point, and so when I felt a wall come up over my latest question, I could feel the anger inside me. The indignation. The fighting for “why”? Why won’t you let me in?
I had made the decision in that moment I was done. No one was going to treat me like that….and then I stopped.
Was that being submissive?
Was I allowing Him to decide where the journey was going? For Him to decide for me what would be given or shared and what I deserved?
Wow. When I tell you, it took every bit of strength I had inside me, every trace of maturity….and every nuance of trust to shut my mouth, I mean it. It took more of all of those positive qualities to NOT be “right” than it ever would to just shoot my mouth off. In other words, to let go took more willpower than to hold on.
Minutes later, as I felt a rush inside from doing what truly felt right, I sent some pix of myself in a black lace panty and bra. To see the words “Very hot” made my heart soar! I could feel Him saying I had done the right thing. It was to me as sweet and fulfilling as hearing Him say “good girl”. Well, “good girl” might have been orgasmic to be honest.
Nearly two years ago when He asked me am I sure I want to do this, I really had no idea what the journey of a submissive was. It does take strength and intelligence and intense heart. In no way am I claiming to have done anything monumental, but sometimes the smallest of steps help you take the biggest ones. It gave me hope.
And, by the way, there’s a reason Negan is my favorite character on the show. His intelligence, dominance, extreme inner discipline and demand for allegiance are all qualities HE has. Negan may be seen as a villain on the show, but there’s a brilliance to him that shines above the rest. And, hey, there’s a reason he’s got a harem of hot chicks, too ; )