I go on to Fetlife.com a lot. Yeah, I guess I love the attention a new photo gets, and I STILL love the feeling I get from exposing myself on there. That guys might be getting turned on by me. Jerking off to my tits or mouth or wide open legs.
It keeps my mind and body in a good place for Him. That is not always an easy thing to do. I’m very sensitive. I lose confidence so easily. A distant feeling or no reaction from Him, and my heart sinks. I try very hard to remember that I have no right to anything from Him, but I feel that pain all the same.
I had been on Fet yesterday. Trying so hard to stay turned on because that’s the way He likes me and reacts to me the best. But I could feel myself sinking. All day. He hasn’t called me baby girl yet. I know what that means: I haven’t earned it yet. Yes, He did call Himself “Daddy” and He even let me say it–made me say it twice! I must keep remembering that! Yet, there’s a different level of intimacy between us when He goes as deep as calling me baby girl. His baby girl.
I wrote Him yesterday that I wake every morning with Him as my first thought, my first feeling. Everyday no exception. Ever. And that cumming for Him naked with my legs spread wide was the most amazing feeling. That I was His.
“Lol. That’s “good morning”? Is all He said. I held back tears and just reminded myself that He always has the say. The right to decide what He responds to or not. Only, it felt like being laughed at for saying how devoted I was to Him. It hurt. It always does. And that is His special brand of pain. Do I respond to it? Does He do it on purpose just to hurt me? Is it just not a good day for Him and He wakes to a message like that and He feels pressure from it rather than love? Could I even have mistaken the tone or meaning behind his response? It’s nearly two years now, and I still don’t really know.
After speaking with different guys on Fet, I was turned on and wet. Again I do this to keep myself that way. Plus, I enjoy it. I love the naughty banter with these guys. I love telling them what I’ve done with other men. What He has watched. It’s incedibly hot for me.
So, with my pussy all wet, breath panting and mind all lit up I text Him: “When you told me to “take it ALL just like he told you to” while my hands were cuffed behind my back, my mouth and throat all stuffed with black cock. I almost fucking pissed myself. To have you telling me what to do and knowing I had to…and how much I wanted to. That moment just came rushing back to me. God that was unbelievably hot”. His response…..”ok”. Nothing causes me to go into a tailspin like that. I start to fall into victim mode and even anger.
But here’s the catch. Whether He does that purposefully to torture me or because He’s just teaching me something about how to treat Him or others or even just to simply not give me a response I’m hoping for….it’s still all about being a submissive.
I copied this piece of an article that is helping me keep things in perspective a bit more. Not easy to do when I’m feeling frantic and upset. Here’s that quote, “Submission is an action of personal strength. To overcome internal resistance the submissive must control their desire or need to maintain personal control in the creation and delivery of all personal decisions. They must overcome the need to express or deliver their personal judgment as the basis for creating, directing and taking self action. They must overcome their desire to act defensively through challenge and directed conflict when exposed to the direction of another. As part of this process they must also submerge their ego to allow them to follow or accept direction from another without fear of loss of face, status or worth”.
That may be the toughest part of all of this for me: submerging my ego when my ego is screaming and throwing tantrums for attention. He’s so intuitive, and I often think that’s exactly why He acts that way with me. He can feel when my true underlying motive is my own needs. And in that way, I feel like a child that cries just to have Daddy pick her up and dry her tears. That feeling of security from His sunshine on my face. That may be a valid need, but it is never given without me giving first; without me submerging all that ego first.
For some reason, between sharing an incredible moment of black cock and handcuffs and Him having me say I’m “Daddy’s hot little slut” (my god it makes my pussy drip and my heart lift just writing that) and today…I slipped. I need more of Him, like an addict (hence Sarah’s addiction) that craves her next fix of that rush that calms the shakes. That’s what it is. The more I ask, the more He pulls away, and the more I feel the pitfall of coming down off the high. The overwhelming high of His love.