There are so many things I’ve had a perception change in since the beginning of this journey with Him. Probably the last thing I expected was love. Such a tremendous word. Since this journey it feels like the tallest mountain that I’ve ever had to climb, and I still don’t have a grasp of where I am on it.
To say I love Him to me means that I feel a fullness in my heart and in my spirit from His presence. That I truly care about what happens to Him. That I feel such a pull toward Him that it’s indescribable and I feel as if a piece of me is missing without Him. That to make Him happy for some reason just lights me up. That what He enjoys and loves becomes part of me. That I want to please Him and care for Him, honor Him and fulfill whatever it is that makes Him feel that love for me. That if He is in pain….I long to stop it for Him. That I’d give my life for Him if asked.
I can’t explain all of that because it makes no sense if you look at my circumstance. He is states away from me; I’ve never met Him; I am married with children and He has a girlfriend that has lived with Him for years. I only know of Him what He has allowed me to see and I don’t seem to be able to please Him as much as I long to.
On a good day He might at least give me a nod for saying I love Him, on a bad….that I am delusional and my definition of love is not His. And so, what is love? Is it what we feel for others or what we do for others? What we give out of our hearts or what we hold dear inside?
Maybe it’s both? Love is not something I had expected to be concerning myself with with Him. Or maybe that was my way of not admitting what I already felt upon hearing His voice. A connection I couldn’t figure out. A feeling of “home” that kept me searching for a way closer to Him.
His extreme ways have had so many effects on me and who I am. I have slipped into the darkest recesses of myself through His guidance and reached for Him for solid ground; for a voice to tell me all will be ok. I have had moments in that darkness that were so still I questioned if there was another dimension we had entered that was created for us alone. A sacred space that was the most magickal place….a place you remember from childhood dreams.
On that journey though, I have done some terrible things: blamed Him for my actions; punished Him for my fears; betrayed Him for my needs and cursed Him for my insecurities. And then His words ring in my ears that I only love myself. That my definition of love is a false one. How….can I feel what I do and act in so many opposing ways? In moments of extremes I have chosen somewhere from deep in my subconscious to become my worst image and betray Him….and myself.
I search inside for what’s important, for how to be a better person, for redemption. But mostly, I search for love. For a way to be what I feel. For a way to show the true light in my darkness. For a way to give to Him without any consideration for my own needs or wants.
It’s funny how if you listen, you’ll hear the Universe speaking to you all around you. A commercial just came on that said that courage is feeling unsure of where the journey will lead, but starting it anyway. I don’t know what will be. I don’t know if He feels love for me. I only know that this feeling I have inside compels me to keep going, keep trying, keep giving and keep searching. Maybe then I can answer the question: What is love?