My Secret Addiction

My eyes open in the morning….it’s Him. He’s my first thought. He’s my first feeling. I wonder what He’s doing, how He is, is He ever thinking of me too? This is everyday whether we are speaking or not.

And I think of things to do to show I care, to get His cock hard (or so I hope) and, admittedly so…to get His attention. He says I’m an attention whore and I know He’s right. When He first said that to me I denied it but I see it now. I feel how much I love His attention. His eyes on my body. His delving into my life, my mind and my heart.  Hoping He wants me the way I want Him.

When He was allowing me to call Him D**** (word for Father) He would say, “Legs spread wide for D**** to see” and “Nothing makes d****’* girl hotter than being a depraved milf”, “Tell d**** what you want” and once….only once He said “D**** luvs His depraved little whore”.

I don’t have words to describe what all of that did to me inside. It took something from me. I’d say it gave me something but that would be only half the story. It gave me pleasure and wet my pussy beyond anything anyone has ever said to me…but like I said it took something from me. It took my sense of who I was, who I am, what’s important to me, what I’m doing here on this crazy planet and what I want out of life.  Forever.

He. Is. My. Addiction.

And like heroin, I feel the rush between my legs, my whole body responds, I give myself to Him, my head goes foggy, I’m consumed with a need and hunger and longing that’s unreasonable….insatiable.

His voice is like dripping honey to me touching my tongue, making me want to open my legs for Him, my mind and my heart. I want to please Him and show Him I’d do anything for Him. Fuck and suck for His pleasure. Prove what a whore I am so He can feel His influence on me.  And once it’s taken away, once He is taken away, my hunger turns to torment and pain. I NEED more of Him. Like a junky I feel lost, unfocused, deprived without His attention and love.

His attention and love….HE… is a drug. No  He is THE drug  My drug of choice. My direct line into the deepest, wettest pleasure of my life

Go ahead, laugh at the idea of this. I’m just delusional and don’t realize it’s not true. But it is true. It’s the most real thing I’ve ever felt in my life. At once empowering and debilitating, joyous and devastating. And the other truth is we all want to feel this: something, SOMEONE that makes everything make sense. The reason for being born…just to reconnect with life itself.

A drug. An addiction. Perhaps, but I have no delusion about what I want. Whether I will get what I want is another story, but there’s clarity and purity in it. And that may be the most crystal clear I’ve ever felt. Funny how an addiction can show you all that.

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