Tiffany’s Gift to a Slut

I just connected with a new friend from Fet on Skype. Tiffany is gender….undecided? She/he said that was an issue right now. I really enjoyed my conversation with Tiffany for lots of reasons. S/he was open and honest and really seemed to want to share what was happening in his/her life. Funny, I thought the typical: that s/he would be all about this new girlfriend slut. The truth was we spoke mostly of what s/he was going through.

That was a good thing for me, because I have real issues with egocentrism. Yeah, getting down to my fucked up issues right from the get go on here. May as well know whom you’re dealing with. He pointed this out to me more times than I care to mention. Nothing seems to make me seek inner shelter more feverishly than being shown my worst attributes.

So Tiffany told me about sucking off her first guy who was a Dom. I felt pretty connected to what was described too. I’ve had many experiences with guys I’ve never met before. I take them in the back of my car or a few times in a hotel and other times, it’s right in the location I meet them. That awkward yet super excited feeling of meeting a stranger and taking their cock into my mouth. The inner boldness it takes to go for it. The fear it pushes inside me….and then the later shame and guilt from it. Sometimes the guilt and shame actually adds to the erotic feeling too.

Tiffany, although physically a man had such similar feelings. She talked about the smell he had and the taste of his cum. I noticed that too. The scent of a man’s skin, clothing and cum were inescapable to me for days. I could literally take a breath in through my nose and there he was. It would send a chill up my spine and give me goosebumps knowing what I had done and how it made me feel.

Then I asked Tiffany about being a submissive. And let me start that conversation by confessing something: I’ve been told by Him that I’m NOT a submissive. That He’s tried and given me many chances and I’m just not. Damn near rips my heart out when He says that. If I could have one of those edited moments from a TV show, you’d see my seething chest open with me staring at my heart on the ground with a knife impaled into it. And all I can do is shake the image out of my head, refuse to listen to those words and swear to myself that someday, someway I will become someone He calls His submissive.

Still, I ask Tiffany how s/he KNOWS s/he’s sub. “I like to please others, it’s the strongest desire I have”. That stops my breath for a moment. Do I feel that? I hear His response to that almost before my own thoughts. “NO…you think of only yourself”, He’d say. And honestly, I do think of myself, and  I also think of others. My mind is inside of me and I feel what I do based on what I’m going through. I answer Tiffany by saying. “You know, reading that I’m not sure about myself. It is less about wanting to please someone and more about wanting to make it for their pleasure and not mine. It’s like a fetish I’d say”.

So does that count? Is that even in the same category as wanting to please someone? Or is that a sensation I’m looking to feel? It makes me feel worthless and cheap to be disregarded when being fucked. Like I don’t matter. Like my body is a useful toy for their satisfaction, and I love the idea of men using me that way. Isn’t there a level of giving in that? In surrendering myself and my needs for someone else’s pleasure? If He were with me physically I can imagine that inclination would only grow stronger in me.

Is it possible to give to someone….to please someone else….even to love someone with the kind of mindset I have? It worries me because I’m not like Tiffany; I don’t live to please others as my strongest desire. Yet, like He says, I do want others to be pleased with me.  I want so much to be that perfect submissive but if that quality is not in me can I still be considered a submissive?

I know one thing–I will never give in or surrender more to anyone as much as I do with Him.  In other words, I find that I hold back inside with others. I give but only externally, like on the surface. With Him, I feel like a piece of shattered glass. I’m broken into a million pieces and He sees every shard.

Is there something submissive in admitting all this about myself and self punishing myself for not being what He wants? For doing any amount of insane things just to show myself worthy? Even a little bit?

I asked another submissive girlfriend what she does if one of her Doms feels she isn’t doing enough or isn’t being submissive. What does she do if He ignores her every attempt at proving her devotion? Does she get upset? Does she feel defeated? She just said, “I keep trying to please them”. You know that feeling you get when someone says something that makes you feel so stupid you could cry? That was me. And anger too. I felt angry she had said it. She was right. I wanted to be coddled and told I was justified. And there in is why He says I’m not submissive. The guilt of who I am is so devastating and yet it’s that guilt that motivates me.

So….does it count that I’m still trying? That I can’t give up?

Thanks for reading : )

 

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